Can I get real with you all?
I’ve spent years watching and comparing myself to others. Wondering why I’m not the one the teacher likes, why I don’t have more friends than the next person, why I couldn’t score higher on my test. I wonder why I can’t ever reach or exceed the mark. I often feel like I’m running a race and as soon as the finish line is in eyesight…it vanishes.
Late at night on those low nights, I travel down the dark rabbit hole, and I begin to compare myself to those in my life. I’m not gorgeous, I’m not rich, I often say the weirdest things, I’m awkward, my words often times come out jumbled, I’m not the smartest, I’m scared, I’m a cry baby. I’m simply not enough. At times I’ve wondered if I ever would be..for anyone.
Sometimes I feel so alone. I feel like no one struggles like me, that no one has anxiety like me, that people would never understand the way I feel and how lost I feel at times. When I go to school I feel like I’m surrounded by literally the smartest girls I’ve ever met, girls that I feel like I just can’t compete with because they would always win, girls that seems like they are always a step ahead.
I got the chance to talk to one of my classmates today and she opened up to me about her life. She shared how she feels her family sees her, some of the not nice things they have said about her, how she sees herself, and how she struggles with anxiety. As she talked I wanted to reach out to her and hug her and get her to see how great and loved she really was. I couldn’t believe that this smart, beautiful soul felt so stressed. I couldn’t believe that this girl that seems like she has it all put together actually had real problems. Sadness she was taught to not show.
This girl may not know, but her opening up to me, blessed me in so many ways. Interestingly, I had a couple of my other friends open up to me over the weekend too and share their pain, problems, and secrets. I felt comfortable to share my feelings back. I’ve always thought I had to bare my sorrow and pain on my own shoulders. I’ve been living with a lot of shame feeling like people wouldn’t love or accept me if they knew that I had anxiety or that I’m self conscious. I’ve been protecting these secrets and I often feel scared when I feel like someone is going to find me out. I’ve been trying so hard to stay in my disguise.
The crazy thing is that I’ve been worried that I was going to stick out like a black sheep and be ostracized for being different, but really I’ve been amongst the black sheep this whole time, I just never knew my true color…or worth
We live in a time now where we glamorize the riches, fame, beauty, and so on instead of love. You see many famous people committing suicide, being admitted to rehabs, or just tonight Lamar Odom was found unconscious in a brothel. We use social media to portray the highlights of our life,but tuck and hide the imperfections away in hopes that they will never see the light of day. When we don’t deal and accept the imperfections we are really just pushing it down into our soul creating negative pressure. The sadness gets pushed in, doesn’t get released, and builds an atmosphere where it gets easier and easier to go down that dark rabbit hole.
Having the chance to release that sadness, to be open and honest with myself and others, and sharing the burden of my pain on to my friends and God, makes me feel lighter. It makes me feel understood and loved. I encourage you to take some time today to open up to a trusted love one. It takes courage, but I bet you will see that you aren’t alone.
Please take a moment to the listen to the below video. It has encouraged me to share this sensitive and vulnerable part of my heart with you.