How NOT To Cook Eggs

I cook eggs pretty often, not only are they cheap,  and easy, but they’re also delish and full of protein. It’s a win. I like my eggs cooked hard, either hard boiled or scrambled until no moisture remains. Slimy eggs or runny yolks just turn my stomach to even look at.

Anyways, let me move on to the good part of this post: how I normally cook eggs.

Normally I either cook them in a frying pan….OR….a microwave cooker. Now I know what you’re thinking. Wtf, a microwave cooker!? Yup a microwave cooker. They’re awesome, and my inner millennial-self loves it. I honestly think that most people just don’t what it is.  Please see the link below:

Microwave Egg Cooker

Ok, so now that you weirdos know what it looks like, you can understand how I cook eggs and save time. I put a little oil in the wells, crack my eggs, scramble them up a bit and THEN- throw it in the mic for a couple minutes. Literally, a couple minutes.

Well being the lazy sack of poop that I am, I wanted a way to hard boil eggs easily. I’ve been on a salad kick lately (go me!) and I like eggs in it. I read online that you can take a microwave safe container, add your eggs, add in enough water so the eggs are completely covered, and then cover the container lightly  so steam can still escape and then cook them for 8-12 minutes.

I did all of it and had the eggs in for 5 minutes. At the 5 minute mark I opened the mic, checked to make sure they still looked ok-weren’t cracking or anything- and then set it to cook for another 5 minutes. I was prepping the rest of my salad when I heard a pop so loud it sounded like a gunshot. Immediately I turned away to run and screamed as loud as I could (out of fuckin fear) and felt something wet hit my head, arms, and back. I had no clue what happened. My partner ran in to see what happened and to see if I was ok, to which I said I was. Or at least I thought I was.

As I turned back towards my kitchen I noticed the remains of an egg and the water that was in the contain all over. My partner kept asking me if I was ok, it was at that point that I realized something was wrong. The look on their face was worry. It was then that they told me I burned my back pretty badly, the skin was peeling and off.

burn1

I honestly didn’t feel it. So I went to the bathroom and the first think I noticed-CHUNKS of eggs in my hair. As I was peeling them out my skin started to feel hot, we put cold cloths under water and kept applying to my skin. At that point the pain took  over. I could see the skin on my face was bright red, and immediately I just wanted to finish making my salad and get in the shower. The shower was great, it felt like there was acid poured on my back.

So here we are a week later.

burn2

The lesson here: buy the damn egg cooker. Don’t make hard-boiled eggs in the microwave or else you will suffer great pain.

-A

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