“How you gonna win, when you ain’t right within?”

We’ve been listening to Lauryn Hill’s Doo Wop (That Thing) since it came out. As little girls we were belting out “How you gonna win, when you ain’t right within?”. Not understanding the words behind the story, but feeling the pain and soul within the song. Our father opened up our little minds sticking in complex situations, songs, literature, in hopes that it would stick. He was in a fierce battle with time and society. Knowing that if he didn’t start immediately, teaching us about the hard truth, society would.

I think the difficulty with this situation was that as little girls we couldn’t comprehend such pain. We didn’t have the wisdom.

M– As I reached womanhood I began to place more importance on how others viewed me versus what I knew and was taught about myself. Quickly the roots, my father once nourished, was thirsty for attention and seeked any source to feed it. Like a stray cat, willing to eat any garbage it could find, in hopes to quiet the rumbling of its deprived stomach.

I started dating a man that I knew wasn’t a man of intent. Yet, I continued to pursue him because I was lonely and knew with an added amount of love he could change. For me he would change. I gave him my thoughts, my feelings, my stored nutrients in hopes to blossom him into the man I knew he could be. More focused on his potential energy instead of the kinetic energy that was seeping from his negative spirit. I took from me to give to him. I neglected my growing, ever hungry spirit, to nourish his that constantly took and yet never gave. Waiting, desperately waiting for a return on my investment. Soon he would give to me, he would feed me, he would nourish me, he would love me. He would love me as I loved him. Yet he grew and I withered.

I gave and he took. Yet, I always forgave, because he did not know what he was doing. Right? Right? Like Seymour, my plant never had enough and needed me to constantly kill myself in order to feed him.

Instead of leaving I continued to push through because when you’re broken you try to fix everything around you hoping that somehow it will fix you too. Yet, the more I forgave, the more I tried to forget, the hungrier my spirit became. The more I needed his attention, the more I was desperate for any crumb he would feed me.

It gets to the point where you have nothing left to give so you began begging him, and asking forgiveness, for not being able to provide the love that is due to him that he rejected from the beginning.

As I withered, I had a friend that constantly reminded me that I shouldn’t be giving when I needed to love on myself. It hurt when I was so weak, to be touched ever so gently. It reminded me how fragile and deprived I was. It’s hard to look in a mirror and reflect back on the mistakes you made, the actions you allowed, the respect you don’t have for yourself. It’s easy to turn away from the mirror and refuse to see the withered plant looking back at you. It’s hard to face the truth. It’s hard.
Yet, if you come to the point where you can, that’s where the magic happens. That’s the moment that having respect for yourself beings. That’s where the healing starts.

A and I talked about this earlier today. We are constantly seeing women give to relationships that are only one sided. It’s hard to watch. It’s hard to know what to say to these women. You see it happening, in slow motion, like a train crashing, yet you don’t know what to do.

A – One of the biggest problems is that women aren’t taking men at face value. Men are fucking straight up saying I don’t want a relationship and women are reading that as try harder, get down with the freaky shit, Ill trap him. Yet, he won’t change, because he said he didn’t want a relationship.

Girls need to have that hard conversation and even if it’s fucking Vin Disel, if he ain’t selling what you’re trying to buy….Move the fuck on.

M– Were not saying it’s easy. I’ve been there and done that, but reflecting back I wish someone would’ve given me the hard truth. You are loved, you are beautiful, you are worthy. 

-A & M

“Showing off your ass ’cause your thinking it’s a trend. Girlfriend, let me break it down for you again. You know I only say it ’cause I’m truly genuine. Don’t be a hard rock, when you really are a gem

Baby girl, respect is just the minimum. Nigga’s creepin’ and you still defending him.”

 

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