#OscarsSoDull

So, last night I watched the Oscars. I started from the beginning at 8:30 and made it all the way until 9:45 until I just couldn’t do it anymore. I am a huge movie person, love love love movies…but holy shit it was boring. 

Don’t get me wrong, the opening monologue was very interesting and I’m glad I watched that part. I was curious as to how Chris Rock was going to address the lack of diversity among the nominees. I think that it was great that he brought in a lot of jokes but I feel he left it hanging a bit. On the flip side I guess you can only talk about that stuff so much before people start to get uncomfortable, but I felt a little let down. This was his opportunity to be serious and be the representative. But he was the comedian.

Anyways when Stacey Dash was called to the stage I gasped out loud.

 
 And then cackled like a hyena.

But other than that I was just not into it, made it to 9:45 and then stopped. It’s just so boring, so unrelatable. These fancy people in their fancy gowns… I commend everyone for their creativity and being able to be in the spotlight and making amazing movies. But the how-to/who-did-it just clearly isn’t for me.

-A

(Photos tumblr)

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Burnt To A Crisp

I had some chicken in my fridge that was verging on the “cook it or toss it” time frame. I was not in the mood to cook after doing 7 loads of laundry and cleaning the rest of the house. As I was dialing in to the nearest Pizza Hut my husband decided to take on the challenge of grilling up the chicken. Yes! Brownie points. 

He grilled away while I dialed away and soon the chicken was pretty much done while we were munching on our pizza. 

I decided to leave my nice, fresh, clean, folded clothes on my couch till the morning when I would put them away. I was too tired to figure out where I was going to put all these clothes. Majority of them were from the garage…when I don’t have time to wash clothes I hide them in there. I know, I know, I’m a sneaky wife.

We headed upstairs with our posse of cats  and fell swiftly asleep. 

In the middle of the night I woke up to an awful smell of smoked chicken. I woke up my husband asking him if he remembered to turn the grill off. He said he did and if I wanted to I could go double check. He’s really good at remembering these things so I figured the smell must’ve been from the days earlier cooking. I went back to sleep.

I woke up hours later still smelling the awful chicken and decided to light my bedside candle to try to break up the smell, but it wasn’t helpin at all.

Finally, I decided to get up and take the dog out for a quick bathroom break…and to just see if the grill was off. I had a suspicious feeling it wasn’t. I headed downstairs and immediately went towards the grill. Surprisingly, it was turned off. He was right.

BUT the smell was 10x worse than it was upstairs. As I opened up the back door for my dog I seen a orange light flash on my stove. “What was that?”, I thought. I walked over, flicked on the overhead lights and my eyes couldn’t believe what I saw.

The stove was on 450 degrees!!!! I opened up the stove and inside there was an empty pan. Confused as ever, I pulled it out and inside was a charred black piece of chicken. It was so dark that when it was in the stove it disappeared amongst the darkness. 

I was relieved all at once that I finally figured out what the smell was and that my house didn’t burn down. I looked behind me towards my living room and seen the 7 loads of laundry sitting on top of my couch. 😰😤😭

I ran over and hesitantly lifted up a pile of clothes to my nose. Yup…burnt chicken.

This morning I debated back and forth with myself trying to decide if I really cared if anyone thought I smelled like burnt chicken. I guess I care enough to spend my day rewashing 7 loads

   
   
-M

My parents got it in!

Hey everyone! It’s me M. My sister has been killing it lately on here and I’m sorry for my absence. Do you ever have those moments in life where you just can’t handle one more thing on your plate? I’ve gotten to the point in life where I know when to say “no, I can’t right now”. But, things are slowing down for me and I’m back and ready to bring you weeks worth of funny stories.

I’m a weird girl and I spend my down time doing weird things. I have a bit of an obsession with the website babycenter.com. They have this really cool calculator that will determine when your baby is due. You can either plug in the date of your last period or even today’s date and shaaaaabang!!! You find out when your “baby” is due. 

  So as I’m waiting for my coffee to finish dripping I decided to go on and just see when my “baby” would be due using today’s date. Out came November 20th. 

Oh snap…wait a second now, that’s super close to my birthday. 
And strangely today’s date is super close to my dads birthday…🤔

I decided to plug in my dads birthday into the calculation and don’t ya know out came my moms expected due date for me!!!!!!! 

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m a birthday present! 🎁🎂

Do you all know when you were conceived? Share with me in the comments!

-M

Too Comfortable

Alot of times in life people get comfortable, and once they get comfortable- they stop trying. You get in a relationship and then stop trying and don’t do the same stuff you used to. Dates become less frequent, affection becomes less frequent, and se….. Well, you get the point.
Even at work, when we’re looking for a job we are almost HUNGRY. It’s sick the way we look, present ourselves and then try to be the best at work. But after awhile… you just get comfortable and forget that you wanted to be the best.
Im not sure why, but no matter what…I always want to be the best, but sometimes I just go about it the wrong way. At work I try and work but don’t really care about making friends an sucking up. In relationships I want to be the person that loves the other more….even if it’s just to say that I tried the hardest and did my part.
There needs to be a happy medium, people need to remember to try and maintain what they had in the BEGINNING, or else you’ll be remembering from afar.
-A

Dear Professional Flakes aka Friends That Are Moms

I read a blog post earlier this week called “6 Reasons My Husband and I Probably Won’t Make Your Event, and Why We Don’t Want You to Take it Personal…” by Dj’N’Devin and lets just say I took it personal.

In the blog this woman lists reasons why she won’t hang out with her friends such as she’s married, has children, no baby sitter, they’re too tired, yadee ya yahh. You know that same ol’ song all your “friends” sing when they forget how to be a real friend.

It reminded me of that episode of Sex and the City (season 6, episode 83 for all you fanatics) where Carrie’s shoes gets stolen from a party. When she brings up the situation to the host, the host offers to replace them, but then makes a big deal of how much they cost Carrie. The woman pretty much tells Carrie she would never spend that much money on shoes now that she has a child. Carrie then thinks of all the times she’s spent money on this woman for weddings, showers, baby’s birthday presents and so on. She sees that she actually spent a lot of money on this “friend” and feels slighted that this woman had the nerve to be upset when she asked her to replace her shoes.

Listen, I get that all you moms out there are super busy trying to be superwoman and keeping it all together. But, do you remember that one friend that held your hair when you were puking in that shady bar? That girl you called in the middle of the night crying because your husband just didn’t understand you? And, that one friend that has attended all your children’s events and dealt with being hit in the head with some plastic toy because he/she was “sleepy”?

You may have some really legit reasons why you can’t attend, and speaking from all the child-free women out there, we get it. We honestly do. We all have times when we’re stretched just a bit too thin and need a timeout from others. I’m not talking about those sweet mommies. I’m talking about you Professional Flakes. Please please please don’t expect us, the child-free women, to to be there to babysit, pick up those late night calls, hang out for “mommy’s night out”, or anything else if you’re not willing to be there for us too.

See, I’m the type of friend that is willing to hang out with your baby and I’m sure your real friends would be willing too. I’ll take a couple hits to the head, witness some tantrums, and see your baby bounce of wall if that means I get to hang out with you.  So it’s a POOR excuse and pretty sad when you use your baby as a reason to not do something.

Bottom line, to have a friend you must be a friend. Communication is key to any and all relationships. Talk to us and let us know your struggle, but please don’t be hostile in our choice to be child free and make us feel insignificant. We give you all the props in the world for being a great mommy, but we will take it personal if you aren’t there to support us too.

-M

The Official HelloFresh Review….Part 2

Y’all are gonna love this one. The next meal I made was salmon with a blood orange arugula salad and couscous. And here’s how it’s supposed to look:

 
This recipe and pic intimadated the shit out of me. I honestly don’t even remember why I picked it or what I was thinking. The first step in these recipes is to prep. So I’m reading the prep portion and it’s asking me to zest a lemon and the blood orange. I read this part three times and really had to wrap my head around what it meant to zest. So I’m staring at this shit thinking “zest…? Zest…?” 

 
Finally it came to me (and I was talking to my mom lol so she kinda helped me remember). Now, I don’t want y’all to think I don’t cook because I’m a pretty decent one, but how often have I zested? Never.

So I zested the shit out of these fruits. 

Next I made the couscous…again, how often have I made couscous? Never. I’ve never even tried it. But whatever it was easy, so I was pleased… Then on to the salmon. I opened up the package of salmon and it stunk. I forget what fresh fish smells like because my cheap ass uses frozen. I know I know, not the same. But are you gonna buy me some fresh fish? I didn’t think so. So now while this fish was cooking I assembled the arugula salad (oh, earlier I made the vinegarette for it with shallots, lemon juice and oil). 

Now my plate is partially set with the couscous and salmon and I’m staring at this recipe card again, somethings missing. Why the fuck is there still zest sitting here!?  

 
I was furious, they never fuggin mentioned why I prepped all that damn zest. I read it over and over again and then just added it to my salad. I was pissed and at that moment I knew this meal was gonna suck with its half-ass recipe.

Now to the part you’ve waited so long for…the plate and the taste.  

 
This meal was so damn good. The salad was scrumptious and that seasonings on the salmon and the couscous…Lord…. Amazing. 

After I finished the plate I choked on my previous words and declared this to be my fav so far!

-A

The Big Fat Freeze

You ever go on Facebook and click on those links to random crap like “Mama June undergoes plastic surgery, see the results”? No? Well, I did. And actually the link I clicked was something just like that. They were talking about how she underwent some shit called CoolSculpting. Honestly, I think it was just a way to advertise CoolScultping. So here I am reading about it-and they didn’t show the results btw!, and I’m like so entranced in what the hell this CoolSculpting is. 

I won’t keep you in suspense here, based on my research doctors put cold whatever in certain places and leave it on for awhile. Supposedly it’s supposed to kill brown fat cells and then over time (2 weeks ish) you see some results. 😏

  
So, I was like “well how much is this damn sculpting!?”…… the answer is roughly a couple thousand bucks. What do I look like, Rockefeller!? I don’t have it.     

 So my next move was to google at home machines. The more and more I looked the more I seen that people are just putting ice packs in one of those weight loss belts! Wonderful! Ice packs are a couple bucks and I have like 5 of those belts. It was on like Donkey Kong. 

So two nights later I got comfy in my muumuu and took one of the huge ass ice packs that came in the HelloFresh box and shoved it in a pillow case. Then I layed down and put it on my tummy. 

At first it was just cold, but then my skin started to prickle and it kinda hurt like a bitch.  

I made it through the 30 minutes and so far I’ve done it 2 more times. I’m not seeing results yet but who knows. Thought I would just share my weight loss antic of the week with y’all. Somebody help me.

-A
(Photos tumblr)